Download Lagu John Mulaney - Could Be a Nursery

Lirik Could Be a Nursery

I have a wife and a dog, and we just bought a house
We have a new house, uh, it was built in the twenties
But it was flipped in 2014
Which means it's haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash!

Actually, we didn't buy a house, a bank bought a house
And I'm allowed to keep my shirts and pants there
While I pay it off for thirty years

The woman from the bank came over
And she showed me my mortgage broken down
Month-by-month for thirty years

And she said "So, for instance this is
What you'll pay in July of 2029"
And I burst out laughing, I was like
"2029? That's not a real year!"

"By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice
With President Johnathan Taylor Thomas
I'm not gonna be writing you a paper check!"

I like having a house, but I loved looking for a house
Cause I love real estate agents
I mean, they are the true heroes
They really are, have you ever watched HGTV?

Real estate agents have to deal with the dumbest people in the world
Making the biggest decisions of their lives

Every episode of HGTV is like
"Craig and Staucey are looking for a two-story A-frame
That's near Craig's job in the downtown
But also satisfies Staucey's need to be near the beach
Which is nowhere near Craig's job"
"With three children and nine on the way"
"And a max budget of seven dollars"
"Let's see what Laurie-Joe can do"
"On this week's episode of 'you don't deserve a beach house'"

I loved our real estate agent
It was so fun to hang out with her
It was like hanging out with my mom

'Cause, you know, real estate agents always look like your mom
And they have various Chico's accoutrements
They always have kind of fun mom energy
And they're always, "So excited to see you two"

We would have little conferences before we walked into a house
She'd go "Let's talk, let's talk before we go in"
We're like, two feet from the door
"So, there's no toilets."
"And I know, that was on your list"
"But I think I can get 'em to budge"
"Let's go"

So we'd have a real estate agent
And then like, the house would have a real estate agent
Who's just some guy sitting in a big chair
And these two always hated each other
It would be like
"Hi Tony."
"Hi Kim."
It's like, Jesus Christ!
What, were you two in the Eagles together?
What is the animosity about?

Our real estate agent wanted us to have a baby
More than anyone else in our lives
More than anyone in our family
She hinted about it constantly
Every room she walked into, she'd be like
"So this could be an office"

"Or maybe a nursery"

"Yeah, haha, no, like we said, we don't know if we're gonna have—"

"No no, I know
I know, you know. You don't know if you're gonna have 'em
But y'know, y'know you never know
Sometimes you never know what's gonna happen
And then, y'know, something happens"

"Well yeah, that's how all of life works."

"Okay, alright, okay, alright."

"This is an on-fire garbage can."
"Could be a nursery"

She showed me a backyard once
She goes "I don't even like this backyard for you"
I was like, "Oh, do tell"
She said "It's all pavement
I think you should have some grass out there
Y'know, in case you have a couple
Little guys, runnin' around in the grass"

And I got offended on behalf of my imaginary kids
I was like "Hey, lady, I went outside about as much as
Powder from the movie Powder."
"My children are not gonna be playing out on grass
They will be up in their rooms playing violent video games
And catfising pedophiles. These are my children
And that's my wife!"